Unapologetic

My mom mentioned to me over the summer that I had the enviable trait of always having known who I am.

I laughed in her face. Me? Knowing who I am?? I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up (which is in 8 months btw...) But she insisted that I have always known and it has always been clear that I have known who I am and who I want to be.

And then I realized (as I always do) that she is kind of right. I do have a pretty clear picture in my mind of the kind of person I want to be. I know what I like and what I don't, what I'm comfortable with and what I'm not. I'm not at all confident with myself yet but I think it has something to do with not quite being that woman I have in my brain.

Ever since she's said that to me, I notice more and more how certain I am of who I want to be and how hard I work to become her. I'm anxious and not at all outgoing but I do things that make me happy and I don't let people take advantage of me.

It's important, especially if you don't know what you want to be, to at least be sure of who you want to become. It makes decision making and goal setting a thousand times easier once you consider what your fully completed self would do.

What's more, I've only recently stopped feeling bad about and apologizing for who I am. I tried to pretend to like things for too long and as hard as it was to separate myself and go my own way, I've been so much happier since.

I don't like bars or clubs or drinking on weeknights. I like writing and reading and sleeping in. I don't mind shopping alone and I love traveling. I hate trying new things but I also love it. I love reading blogs and online shopping. I like going on Netflix binges and eating spoonfuls of sunbutter. I hated being a college athlete and I wasn't a fan of working at a magazine. I didn't think The Great Gatsby was all that great. And I don't have to be sorry for any of it because that's who I am and I'm just trying to fulfill my dreams and make myself happy.

I think everyone at my stage in life struggles to find where they belong, but from my experience, doing what you love and making yourself happy leads you to people who are similar--people who lift you up rather than put you down. You should never have to compromise who you are or want to be in order to make friends. Growing up does not mean giving up the things you love.

It's a learning process and absurdly confusing, but the older I get, the more I strive to do what makes me happy and as a result, I'm happier than ever.

And my mom was right. Again.

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