Filling in Some Holes

 

I have alluded a few times to a rough first semester. And it was. It is actually still kind of hard on me. I’m not going to divulge the specifics, but I will write a little about why. I could say that it’s to fill in my readers and bring you guys up to speed, but really, it’s for selfish reasons—I just want to get it off my chest.

Junior year is rough on me for 2 main reasons.

1. Last summer I walked away from the Cheerleading team.

Around this time last year, I started feeling really put off by cheerleading. I felt like I was treated unfairly, the expectations were too high, and I was crying at almost every practice.

Every time I dragged myself to practice, I couldn’t help but think, “Why am I here?” I didn’t love it anymore. But cheerleading had been such a huge part of my life for so long, and I did love it—at one point—and I just couldn’t imagine quitting on all my friends. What if I regretted it?

But once the idea was in my head it wouldn’t leave. Once I told my parents about it, it felt like a possibility. And then I told Erin about it, and it felt really real.

The only problem was, I hadn’t told any of my teammates. None of them even knew I was thinking about it. We all had always joked about it, but it had always been something we never thought anyone would ever actually do.

But by the time summer rolled around, I did it. I called the captains—my two best friends on the team—and broke the news. It was hard. I told them I didn’t want to lose their friendship and they promised everything would be okay.

And even now, I don’t regret it. I love the freedom of being able to do what I want when I want without Fordham cheerleading breathing down my neck, telling me where I had to be and when.

But it was hard because until this fall, I had one very solid group of friends—the cheerleading team. I always knew twenty people I could hang out with, and always had at least someone to talk to and do things with. After I walked away, I didn’t really feel like I had anyone anymore. And while this wasn’t true, I just had to re-learn how to be friends with these girls, and how to make other friends.

I am not especially outgoing, so that was a challenge within itself, though very heathy.

Junior year has also been tough for another reason:

2. A huge and dramatic falling out with my roommate and former best friend.

While I won’t go into details, essentially what happened was, after things had been tense for a while, I blew up at her. I said some things I shouldn’t have and hurt her, because she had been hurting me. I apologized over and over but she basically told me the friendship was over.

It hurt to lose someone I was so close with, especially because we live in the same apartment and I have to see her every day. However, this whole ordeal has forced me to step out of my comfort zone and make new friends. And one good thing that has come from it is that I have found out who my real friends are, and who will stand by me no matter what.

I hate being catty and dramatic but this helped to let off some steam. It sucks that this had to happen, but I am making a conscious effort to make myself into a better person and a better friend, using the things I learned from this whole ordeal.