Lately I have been in a mental panic about my future. As has everyone else over the age of 20. But with Andrew deciding to go to portfolio school and my future location resting in his hands, I have been a little more neurotic than usual.
I walk the line between being excited to be a grown up in a cool city somewhere and have my own place and finally get a puppy, and being absolutely horrified. I'm afraid of going somewhere I've never been. I'm scared to try and find a job (doing what, I'm not sure) and I'm scared nothing will work out. I want to be supportive and have an open mind but it's hard when there is so much uncertainty, and when it feels like so much is out of my control.
When Andrew updated me the other night on his top choices, I finally spilled my concerns to my parents. When I thought they would be concerned that I could potentially move far away, they were actually very supportive.
They assured me that my potential locations were all good choices and that I shouldn't worry about it. They expalined that when you're young and have only yourself to be responsible for, it's okay to travel and have adventures. It's okay to move far away and live in a big city, because when I finally do settle down and start a family, there won't be time for that.
They made me realize that there will be plenty of time later in life to make responsibe decisions and be lame. My twenties are my time to go live 8 hours away and take a subway to work and take myself to J. Crew with all my big girl paychecks.
I was really worried about being so far from my family, but now I have a little more confidence that I will be okay taking this adventure in a year or so with Andrew. I am scared. And nervous and afraid. I hate not having everything planned to the detail and not being able to call all the shots. It's so far away but it feels so close at the same time.
At this point, I take things one day at a time. I can't plan things out and I can't want to be in control all the time. I need to have an open mind and an open heart and be willing to discuss and voice my feelings and concerns and stay as positive as I can.
I'm only twenty. My life should not be laid out in front of me. Part of the fun is the journey and all of the twists and turns along the way. I'm learning how to be brave and face them without completely losing my sanity along the way.
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